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Epic Rap Battle, also known as Epic Rap Battle 1, is a rap battle featuring a two guys trying to get a girl's number.

LyricsEdit

Link:

First off I wanna tell ya I enjoyed the pizza,

Well it really wasn't great, but it allowed me to meet-cha.

I'd like your number,

But I'm not gonna leave a big tip to get it.

Rhett:

That means he's cheap and pathetic and if ya date him you'll regret it.

23% from me communicates,

I'm generous, not desperate, and I can calculate.

Link:

Is she supposed to be impressed?

Rhett:

Well if you want a battle be my guest.

Link:


I'm a computer programmer and a cubical dweller,

I disabled Spell Check 'cause I'm a stellar speller.

When I write an email that includes an attachment,

I never hit "send" before I've attached it.

Rhett:

Your job is a bore,

I keep it hard core,

Sellin' knives and insurance from door to door.

You're reflectin' on a water cooler conversation,

I'm givin' an incredible knife demonstration.


May I interest you in some accidental death coverage?

Or a hard boiled egg slicer?

Link:

I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene.

Rhett:

Egg slicer.

Link:


I car pool,

'Cause I'm environmentally sensitive,

I pack a snorkel 'cause I'm clever and so inventitive.

Rhett:

It's inventive, inventitive isn't a word

Link:

Yeah, I just inventited it, you just got served.

Rhett:


Well, when I car pool, I take a group of third graders,

On my way to work I teach 'em multiplication tables.

See, I'm a role model, an example to the youth.

Link:

Then why did this kid just tell me that 1x1=2?


At the gym people line up just to give me a spot,

All eyes on me when I'm poppin' a squat.

My career Plan B is to teach P.E,

The model on the machine is based on me.

Rhett:


I've mastered the art of mental manipulation,

Workin' every muscle group through meditation.

This is me workin' out my triceps,

Pick up my DVD called "Mind Reps."

Link:


My sense of style, is sweet like syrup,

It's not uncommon for people to think I'm from Europe.

Rhett:

I don't follow the trends, I'm a style pioneer,

See this turtleneck, with a necklace? You'll be wearing this next year.


(random dancing)


Rhett:

Is that all you got?

Nope.

Link:


If I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do.

If something were to go wrong, I'd just blame it on you.

Rhett:

I'm quick-witted, I always know just what to say.

Link:

Then say something clever.

Rhett:

Uh, ok.

Link:


I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar,

But I turned it down and became the president's karaoke czar.

Rhett:

I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net,

And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet.

Link:


I gave the Heimlich to a horse chokin' on beef jerky,

Two hours later he won the Kentucky derby.

Rhett:

I'm allergic to nothin'.

Link:

I'm allergic to weakness.

Rhett:

I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses.

Link:


I can drive a stick shift.

Rhett:

Well I can golf.

Link:

Well I can make it look like my thumb is comin' off.

Rhett:

I invented the Half Nelson.

Link:

I invented the Full Nelson.

Rhett:

I've got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin.

Link:


My uncle is a lawyer.

Rhett:

I roll my own sushi.

Link:

I use the metric system exclusively.

Rhett:

I know Morse code.

Link:

Well I can speak it:

Boop boop boop boop boop, Boop, Boop boop boop boop, Boop, boop boop boop boop boop boop boop.

Rhett:

You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized.

Link:

Exactly.

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